Tuesday, February 28, 2017

From Feb 1, 2007

Outer View
By Old Willy Longbeard
   Got me self down to the big city. I think there be a gazillion people living there. It be an amazing thing to figure out how they all get water. Looks like there is a trillion houses all around and they all got water piped right to their sink. I wonder what guy has that job. It be a real huge feat I thinks.
   Anyhow it be tough down there. I don’t know how folks figure things out. So much change going on and so very fast.
   I was in a nice car and I wanted to find out what kind it was so I leaned over gently to the driver’s side to take a peek at what was written on the steering wheel. In the old days it had Ford or Toyota on it and you could figure by that. But this car had the strangest name, it is called an Airbag. Now, whoever heard of a car by that name? Must be a cousin of the Dirtbag I drive, I reckon.
   Then I got given one of those Cellar Phoney things. It be so tiny. I couldn’t figure out where to talk. And when I did and the talking was all done, I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. The driver said ‘hit’ the red button.
   Well, there was lots of red buttons it seemed to me. So I hit them all. But nothing seemed to go well. Soon, I was hitting all the buttons of all the colours and that little Cellar Phoney thing was making all kinds of big sounds. It was buzzing and beeping and playing songs like mad. I think I even heard a national anthem.
   I was getting kind of panicky when the driver yelled, “Just get rid of that thing!”
   So I did. I fired it out the open car window.
   Well, that made things quiet. A bit too quiet actually. I know I shouldn’t have done that. But hey, I was under technical pressure.
   The driver didn’t say anything exactly. He just kind of turned white and made frequent utterings that sounded like a cross between a gasp and a muffled explosion.
   When I got to the house where I be staying, there was this cat there. It was an indoor cat. Seems to me cats shouldn’t be indoor cats. They ought to be outside chasing mice and birds and stuff like that. Otherwise they get weird.
   This house had a big fridge with a freezer on top. On top of that there was a microwave. There was only about an inch in front of the microwave and then the freezer door which was about two inches wide.
   Well, I was opening up the freezer door to get some ice cream out. No one had told me that the cat was sleeping on those three inches on top of the freezer. Who would have figured that?           
   I tell you that cat was suddenly just sleeping in midair and they don’t do that real well. It was just reaching out in all directions, with all kinds of legs, trying to grab onto to something but there was nothing to grab onto and it was dropping fast.
   It hit the floor kinda hard. I felt so bad. I kept saying sorry over and over but the cat was sort of miffed and didn’t pay me no never mind. It had lost its composure. ‘Tis a sad thing to see a cat with no composure.
   Soon I was tired from all that travelling and decided to plop myself down on a comfy couch. I don’t see so good, and I thought I was landing myself on a nice dark blanket. But it turned out it was that cat again. He ought not to have been there I figure, but there he was anyway.
   What a kafuffle followed! There was a whole flurry of activity and noise going on for awhile. The cat wanted to escape fast and I wanted to get up faster and the whole thing must have looked funny to those who watched it but to us participating in it, it was kinda traumatic.
   The cat ended up on the top part of the couch with its back arched way up. You should have seen the look it gave me. It wasn’t mad or anything. It just had that bewildered look that said, “This guy is dangerous to be around.”
   I figured it was the cat’s fault but still I was so double sorry.
   That should have been the end of it but it wasn’t. Nope.
   You ever throw some wet socks in a dryer for a few moments?
   Well, how would I know that the cat sometimes sleeps in there if the door is open? It was the rather loud KERPLUNK KEPLUNK as the dryer went around and around that told me something wasn’t right. I quick like opened the door and out came the cat. It staggered away without a sound.
   It didn’t stagger side to side either. It staggered to one side only. Sort of drifted as it walked you might say, until it hit a wall where it just sagged down on the floor and sighed deeply.
   Well now, I feel badly about all that. Like I was not in my element at all. Everything I did seemed to cause trouble.
   Sure is good to be back in the mountains with the cool night air and open sky and singing birds and things. I think I will just stay here awhile and let those city folks be.
   Still, it is amazing that all those people can get water to all their houses and never run out. Some awesome logistics there. Someone did good work.
   ‘Til next time, farewell.

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